Blessings in Disguise

On June 6th, 2007, I swallowed many pills…Ambien, Hydrocodone, Darvoset, Xanax, Paxil, Tylenol (Extra Strength, mind you)…handful after handful. With all the bright colors and assorted sizes, they looked like candy. There was no sweet taste. I washed it all down with gulps of my favorite Shiraz wine right out of the bottle. Now was no time to worry about looking like a wino, and I rather liked the sad image it conjured. I, then, laid down on my bed to die.

It was almost 4 hours before anyone found me, and hours after that before it became known what I had ingested. Because too much time had elapsed, my stomach was not pumped, and the drugs went all the way through my system. I did not die (obviously), but I did end up with a brain injury. I was seriously mentally impaired.

The injury forced me to make all of the hard changes that I could have chosen to make under less duress in my life earlier  Believe me, it would have been much, much easier, but I was the kind that had to be hit over the head with a crisis before I made any big changes for the better. Not anymore. With the brain injury, I had to focus on myself and to put all of my energy into my physical and mental rehabilitation and improvement. I absolutely had to in order to recover.  While, in retrospect, I would not choose this for myself under any circumstances, ever again, the resulting brain injury and accompanying, necessary lifestyle, behavioral, mental and emotional changes have truly been blessings for me.

I quit smoking. I started eating healthier and taking supplements. I exercised for health reasons instead of vanity. I started meditating. I learned about and utilized mental health tools such as thought reframing, affirmations and positive self talk. I turned off the TV. I learned to be by myself and to like my own company. I learned to extend compassion to myself.

While the person I am today still talks funny, has poor penmanship, and can’t type near as fast, I am a much better person all around and would never want to go back to who I was.

In her book, Shadows Bright as Glass, Amy Ellis Nutt, tells the fascinating story of Jon Sarkin. As a young husband, father, and successful chiropractor, Sarkin suffered a massive stroke. He became a very different man. Before the stroke, he was calm, disciplined, and neat. After, he was wildly obsessive, volatile, with a manic desire and talent for creating art. He went on to become a proclaimed artist with New York art shows, commissioned to paint pieces, murals and even album covers in his unique, characteristic, “full-Ninja art” style.

In addition to the stroke intensifying certain tendencies, the stroke forever changed his personality and sense of self. The book paints a picture of a man trying to reassemble the pieces of himself and give some meaning to a very different life and interpretation and experience of it.

The book was a very poignant reminder to me because, as Sarkin tried to do, I spent years expecting and trying to get back to the person I was before the brain injury. Again, like Sarkin, only when I changed my perspective and began to accept and relax into who I had become, could I embrace and fully allow the benefits of the new me to manifest and thrive. Yes, benefits. By traditional standards, some things were worse, but some things were better. I really prefer to see it now as nothing is worse or better….just different.

Sarkin’s artwork is featured in this video of “Do You Love Me” by the group Guster:

Guster, “Do You Love Me” from Bait & Tackle on Vimeo.

 

Tagged as: Amy Ellis Nutt, Shadows Bright As Glass